The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are. – Joseph Campbell
I’m writing this post from my favorite cafe in Northern Virginia: Panera Bread. I’ve fallen in love with their soups (their bagels are pretty amazing, too). Tonight, I’m slurping my way through a bowl of garden vegetable, served hot with pesto and crusty French bread. I’m drinking ginger peach tea and listening to Rosie Thomas, because her music makes me go inward. It makes me sit still and think.
Tonight, I’m thinking about what it means to be transformed.
We all say we want to improve our lives, but in reality, very few of us actually go beyond the self-help junkie stage to achieve true transformation.
What’s up with that?
In the last two years, I’ve gone natural, quit my job to work for myself, became a vegan (then transitioned to being a vegetarian after I lost too much weight as a vegan) and gave up my apartment to save money for travel. Along the way, I’ve also been able to cultivate a new outlook on the world, one filled with more hope and possibility.
The other day on the phone, my sister said that sometimes she feels as if she doesn’t know me anymore. To be completely honest, sometimes even I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. I’ve challenged and questioned everything I’ve known to be true over the past two years that I’ve been writing this blog, conducting lifestyle experiments and resetting my life. The result? Right now, I feel more aligned than ever in my life and work. It’s like I’ve finally come out of my cocoon.
What I’ve learned is that transformation itself is not difficult. Whenever I let go of my attachment to concepts, things and people that no longer serve me, I am able to open myself up to what the universe really has in store for my growth.
What I’ve learned (especially when I decided to cut off all my hair, big chop-style) is that I wasn’t really afraid of change in the first place. I was afraid of how other people would react to the new me.
People have, of course, reacted in various ways as I have gone through these various changes in my life. That’s what people do. We react. We all have our own worldviews and comfort zones, and when someone steps outside of them – even someone we love – our stuff starts coming out. For me, the changes I’ve been making in my life have been exciting and liberating. For others looking on from the outside, it might feel disorienting. So they often lash out. How now shall they interact with this new Rosetta?
(My aunt said to me recently, “It’s no fun to go out to eat with you anymore now that you’re a vegetarian. No chicken? No ribs? Where’s the Rosetta that used to throw down with us at the family barbecue?” She’s still here, I thought. Just not so . . . meaty.)
When this happens, I’ve found that it’s helpful to remember a few truths to ground myself in my own experience, not the experiences of others:
- I am responsible for my own stuff. This life is mine alone to live and my happiness is mine alone to determine. Whether or not other people approve of my choices is never a good measuring stick for success or fulfillment.
- I am not responsible for other people’s stuff. (And by “stuff” I mean other people’s desires, hangups, frustrations, or opinions.)
Yes, transformation can be terrifying, especially when your family and friends don’t (and can’t) understand your journey. But perhaps what we should be more afraid of is the regret of not ever becoming who we really are.
Rosetta Thurman is a nationally-recognized author, speaker, mentor and coach dedicated to helping women create their ideal lives.
Wow! I agree with this article…there was a need for change in my life. I was afraid to make the change, because I was afraid of the way people would react to the growing part of me. Mostly concerned with how my sisters would react. Just recently my sisters told me in an angry text that I am not the sister she know. I am living a fake life, and that I am trying to be something I am not. Did this bothere me ? Yes. Before, the change it was ok that I remained in the same bitter mind set she was in, but when I started viewing life from a more positive prospective, now I think I am better. All that is fine…I love my positive life change, and I would not change it for anything.
Wow, this is a great message. Although you’ve had some outer changes that affected you internally I see where you come from. I just got married for 2nd time last year and this year I’m turning 40 which has really seen a big mental and internal change. Which has shown on the outside, I’ve been seeing a therapist and it’s helped me tremendously to challenge some long standing thinking and beliefs. It’s not been fun all the time as I work my way out of this cocoon but the more I come out the more I find I’m so happy I did. Yes, I’ve changed but the best part is ppl I love know I’m changing. We talk about the changes, b/c I have a husband he’s included in this transformation but we’re both changing. It’s not always comfortable but when it takes place, it really does feel good.
Really great post! This article really puts into perspective how I view others and how they view me as well! When your aunt and sister were the ones making changes in their lives im sure they felt the same way you do now. The problem comes when people stop making constant postive changes they have more time to dwell on your postive changes.
Rosetta…
I don’t understand what it is you are suggesting here. Are we not ourselves all the time? What is this notion about “becoming” ourselves? We are ourselves day in and out. The decisions we make, and actions we take there after, are our own. We make these decisions based on whatever information we have at hand. These are our lives to live however we see fit. Our decisions, both large and small, shape our lives. If for some reason we see fit to change, and do so, it is not because we’re different people, but because we made a different choice.
People do not wake with entirely new personalities, morals, and values. Its a process; information, decision, action, and reaction.
Scenario 1
Information: Permed hair is pretty hair.
Decision: I’d like permed hair.
Action: I perm my hair
Reaction: My hair falls out. I’m now bald and unhappy.
Scenario 2
New information: My hair is just a pretty without a perm.
Decision: After consulting a dermatologist, I’ll grow my hair back, and never perm hair again. EVER!
Reaction: Out of my scalp grows the beautiful kinky-coiled strands of a demigod. *smile* I’m happy!
Whether I awake to a head full of curls or bald spots is my choice. The only thing that changes is the information I have. In this case I would be “becoming” a more informed version of myself; NMJC 2.1 so to speak.
Thank you for adding so much to the discussion here.
I like that idea – becoming a more informed version of yourself. When we get new information (or reflect on information we already have) and choose to act differently because of it, we do, in fact, become different people. Have you ever read a book that you felt changed your life? I’m don’t think we mean that the book literally changed the essence of who we are, but that it made us look at the world differently and perhaps see new possibilities.
Part of what I’m suggesting by the phrase “becoming” ourselves – as I have also talked about the beauty of becoming http://legacy-v1.happyblackwoman.com/the-beauty-of-becoming/ – is that it often takes great courage to act on the urge to change your behavior, appearance, etc. You can have all the information in the world and feel that it’s time for you to do something different, but for some reason not be able to move forward.
Thank you Rosetta!
I do appreciate the clarification. Taken literally, one could be led to think that somehow our individual essence is altered because a bad decision we’ve made. When really our bad, uninformed, or under-informed decisions,and the results that follow, are apart of a bigger picture. These decisions are the puzzle pieces that slowly form our individual masterpieces.
I read your blog about the beauty of becoming, which is very inspirational. I agree; Living is indeed a journey, and in that case we ARE continually “becoming” ourselves. Thanks again!
-NMJC 2.2 ;-)
Rosetta, this is such a wonderful post, and you are doing so many amazing things to align your life and work. I admire you and the choices you’ve made. This post definitely resonates with me, especially as I have recently moved back to my hometown after being away for almost a decade. I am dealing with the identity my friends and family knew from years ago while still trying to determine the person I am today and who I will be in the future. No matter what they think, I need to remember to stay true to myself in the decisions I make and block out any white noise of their opinions. Because your truths are right – at the end of the day, I am the only person to answer to me.
You are so right. It’s not about the actual change it’s about how we think people will react to us. It’s best when we become comfortable with our own decision that other people’s reactions are no longer a big deal. Great post.
Love your point about being comfortable. When we are bothered by what other people think, it could be a sign that we have not yet come to terms with the decision for ourselves.