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Do You Need a Lifestyle Experiment?

September 8, 2010 | By Rosetta |

So I started this blog in January 2010 to chronicle the ups and downs (but mostly ups!) of my life as one of my personal commitments to making some big changes in my life this year. So far, I’ve embarked on a number of lifestyle experiments, some big (like going natural and quitting my job) and some small, like cooking good food for myself a few times a week and drinking more water, etc. I wanted 2010 to be the year that I lived completely for me and did all the things that make me happy. I also wanted to get rid of the things that did not make me happy, which involved a massive Facebook unfriending and distancing myself from some toxic people in my life.

One thing that allowed me to follow through on these changes was that I called them experiments. Out loud and in my head. By calling my lifestyle changes “experiments,” that meant there was less perceived risk in it for me if I failed. That meant I could always go back to my “old life” if the experiment didn’t work out. It also meant that these changes didn’t have to be permanent if I didn’t want them to be. Everything seemed more flexible by calling them “lifestyle experiments” vs. OMG I have to change EVERYTHING in my life RIGHT NOW FOREVER or I’ll DIE.

See the difference?

Even though I did the “big chop” to cut off all my hair to go natural, I knew that if I didn’t like it, I could always get a weave or a relaxer down the line. Even though I quit my job to start my own consulting business, I knew that if it didn’t work out, I could always polish up my resume and go find another job. When I thought about it that way, really I had nothing to lose.

And right now I’m in the midst of a dating experiment to aid in my quest for a boyfriend. I want a relationship, and this is a great way to force myself to actively pursue that goal. The beauty of it is that you can make up whatever kind of experiments you want to improve your life in whatever way you see fit.

Other areas where you could remix your life include:

  • Health
  • Career
  • Dating
  • Marriage
  • Family
  • Friendships
  • Community

What are some lifestyle experiments you can test out in your own life? Are there any goals you could make progress on if you simply put more effort into them? Do you need a lifestyle experiment?

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Don’t Be a Groupie

August 6, 2010 | By Rosetta |

I was speaking at the National Urban League Youth Summit last week and the guy who spoke after me gave some very sound advice to the teenagers in attendance. He said that young people these days behave too much like groupies. They “fan” their favorite artists on Facebook, they “follow” their favorite celebrities on Twitter, and they have lengthy conversations about how many records Drake sold.

I chuckled, because adults do the same thing. Where do we think the kids get it from? Mama’s sitting on the couch watching Real Housewives of Detroit.

The point he was making was that many of us spend so much time keeping tabs on other people’s lives, that we rarely stop to evaluate our own. We spend our time on celebrity gossip sites while our own life is in disarray. We keep track of how many millions Beyonce is worth, yet our own money is funny. We sit up and watch the Kardashians get married, but do nothing to improve our own hubby prospects.

I think it’s cool to have people to look up to where you can say, “I want to live large like that one day,” but it can be dangerous to live vicariously through them. It can lead to avoiding the very real and very difficult task of becoming the people we were meant to be. Because that “one day” pinnacle of success will never come in your life if you don’t take steps to achieve it. Look at Diddy. The man has a lot of dough, but he worked hard to get it. He gets out of bed early to go make those deals that push his businesses forward.

If we just spent a little more time on becoming our own biggest fan, maybe we’d drop the compulsive need to be all up in everybody else’s fabulous life. In fact, we’d be too busy living our own.

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How Much of Your Life Are You Giving Away to TV?

June 17, 2010 | By Rosetta |

I don’t watch TV.

(I’ll give you a moment to catch your breath.)

I have one, but there’s no cable or antenna or DVR or a Tivo hooked up to play shows like Lost or 24 or Real Housewives of North Dakota on it. I just use it to play DVDs on the rare occasion that I want to watch a Netflix movie. People are usually blown away when I tell them this.

“You don’t watch TV?! How can you live without TV?”

Or, “Well, if you don’t watch TV, what do you do for fun?”

Their surprise is understandable. Celestine Chua points out Nielsen research that showed just how addicted most people are to the boob tube.

The average American watched an average of 5.1 hours per day, or 153 hours of TV a month. That’s 1/3 of the time we are awake! This figure is increasing too, quarter by quarter. 5.1 hrs/day is nearly 2,000 hours a year, or 78 days – 2.5 full months.

Now wait one damn minute. You mean to tell me that there are all these people out there who waste two and half months every year watching TV when they could be making progress on their goals? Celestine goes on to reinforce this important point:

With all this time spent watching TV, it’s a wonder how we even have time to do anything else. Just imagine if we spend a fraction of this time working on our goals – we’d already be making so much headway by now.

People always ask me how I get so much done in my professional life and honestly, a big part of where I get “extra time” from is because I don’t watch TV. I’m working while everyone else is watching Basketball Wives. And I really don’t think I’m missing out on anything. I stopped watching cable years ago in college for purely monetary reasons (I was not about to use my few little dollars to pay the cable man). But then I got so used to not watching TV that it didn’t make sense for me to buy cable even when I did start making enough money to pay for it.

When I made the decision to go TV-free in college, I’d actually just taken a course on critical thinking where we talked about the advertising tactics companies use to make you buy things you don’t need. Expert marketers are paid to convince us that we’re lacking in friends, love and beauty and the only way to fix our lives is to buy more stuff. I realized how depressed it made me. I’d see a commercial for makeup and wonder to myself, “How come I can’t look like that?”

Turns out I was right. Watching TV can make you unhappy. And fat.

Watching TV Makes You Unhappy

Two University of Maryland sociologists found that people who described themselves as happy were more socially active, attended more religious services and read more newspapers. Unhappy people, however, watched more television. The results of the study suggested that television watching provides temporary pleasure to unhappy people; but, in the long run, it’s a waste of time and not particularly fulfilling.

Watching TV Makes Makes You Fat

A Scotland study found that “longer television watching was associated with increased obesity, lower intake of fresh produce, and decreased physical activity.” Other studies have shown that people who watched more than three to four hours of TV a day were nearly twice as likely to be obese as those who watched less.

Watching TV Makes Your Kids Fat. And Horny.

Leah Zerbe points to The American Academy of Pediatrics, which recommends limiting children’s TV, movie and video time to 1 to 2 hours per day; kids who watch more are more likely to be obese as adults. And a November 2008 study found that increased sexual content on TV raises the odds of teen pregnancy.

And guess what else? Black women are probably the ones who are most affected by the negative aspects of watching TV, because as an ethnic/gender group, we watch more TV than any other group in the United States. As in more TV than the average of 5.1 hours a day! Which may be why too many of my sisters are are obese and unhappy when we should be healthy and fulfilled.

Now I know I won’t be firing up nobody’s flat screen anytime soon. You?

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The Fear and the Love and Why I Hate That Damn Lizard Brain

June 14, 2010 | By Rosetta |

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?” – Marianne Williamson

Last month, I had a call with a book editor. I met her two years ago at a nonprofit conference where I was speaking. After my speech, she came up to me and gave me her card. Asked me I’d ever thought about writing a book. In my mind I was screaming, “I’m a writer, of course I’ve thought about writing a book! It’s the first thing on my bucket list!” I don’t think I said that to her, though. She told me she’d be back in town later in the year and to keep in touch.

I never did contact her.

At the time, I’d only been blogging professionally for a year. I couldn’t believe that someone might seriously want to talk to me about writing a book. Who did I think I was? I was 25 years old. What could I possibly have to say that would fill an entire book that anyone would ever buy? I convinced myself that there was no point in staying in touch with this crazy book woman. Instead, I kept her card on my desk as a reminder of the possibility that one day, someone might think I was awesome enough to write a book.

I was too afraid to believe that I already was.

Fast forward two years later and me and the book editor paths cross again. This time, it’s the announcement of my new blog on the Chronicle of Philathropy website, Leading Edge. She emails to congratulate me and suggests we schedule a conversation to talk about book ideas. Book ideas!

This time, I’m elated. After blogging for three years, I now have enough evidence to convince myself that people really do want to hear what I have to say. And last year, I even began working on my own book project, tentatively titled Getting from Entry Level to Leadership: 50 Ways to Accelerate Your Nonprofit Career. The first concise guide of its kind, the book will weave an inspiring path for young professionals who want to build meaningful and rewarding nonprofit careers.

But the thing is, I didn’t really tell anyone I was writing the book. I just wrote a little blurb about it and put it on my blog. Very few people noticed it. Except the universe. The universe notices everything. Once I finally put finger to keys and started writing the damn thing, the universe has been moving in all kinds of amazing ways for me. And for that I’m incredibly grateful. It’s time to face my big dreams, even when it’s easier not to. It’s easier to be afraid and unsure of myself. It’s easier to suffer from Imposter Syndrome.

Fear is easy.

That’s why there are so many decisions we make out of fear. Lizard brain choices. Seth Godin describes the lizard brain this way:

We say we want one thing, then we do another. We say we want to be successful but we sabotage the job interview. We say we want a product to come to market, but we sandbag the shipping schedule. We say we want to be thin but we eat too much. We say we want to be smart but we skip class or don’t read that book the boss lent us.

The contradictions never end. When someone shows up and acts without contradiction, we’re amazed. When an athlete just does the sport, or when a writer just writes the words, we can’t help but watch, astonished at the purity of their actions. Why is it so difficult to do what we say we’re going to do?

The lizard brain.

See? That’s why I hate that damn lizard brain. It’s the epicenter of fear. Because when we listen to the lizard brain, we make the kind of choices that lead us on a path away from our big dreams. These days, I’m much more interested in how we can move toward them. I’m interested in how we can push past that fear into the kind of love that reminds us of who we really are. The kind of love that can change our lives…if we let it.

Love is hard.

Loving ourselves enough to face our big dreams is even harder. The lizard brain is amazingly powerful. I mean, just think about your life right now. Are you making most of your choices out of fear or out of love? Do you ever wonder how much more awesome it would be if you finally took the plunge and did the thing you’ve always wanted to do?

I want you to believe me but more than that I want you to believe in yourself. The world is yours if you want it. I know – everyone has to get there on their own time. But what I’ve come to find out is that if you take the first step, everything else falls into place. I just finished the book proposal and I’m so excited about the possibilities it could open up for me.

When you let go of the fear, the love will come after you.

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Becoming the CEO of Me

January 6, 2010 | By Rosetta |

“Go to the edge of the cliff and jump off. Build your wings on the way down. “ – Ray Bradbury

Last month, I quit my nonprofit job of almost four years to work for myself as a consultant. By all accounts, it was a “good” job. The organization had a great reputation and inspiring leadership. It paid well, I had healthcare, a monthly employer contribution to my retirement plan equivalent to 10% of my salary, five weeks paid time off, money for professional development, flexible hours, the ability to work from home, and yes, my very own parking spot. To be honest, I probably could have worked there for four more years. But I wouldn’t have been happy. I had grown too much in my own leadership journey to continue to fit myself into that one role for that one organization. I would be writing a grant proposal, but daydreaming about blogging. I couldn’t wait to get home to start writing and working on my own projects. I’ve wanted to write a book for a couple of years, but could never seem to find the time to do it. I didn’t want to work myself to death and wait until my 60s to finally start living the life I want.

Yes, it was a good job. But it was time for me to be great. I was reminded, haunted really, by a question attributed to Robert H. Schuller.

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

My answer: work for myself. Write for a living. Travel. Write some more. That’s why I majored in English. I love reading. I love writing. And what I’ve learned over the years is that I love having control of my time. All I had to do was figure out how to make that happen. I’m a dreamer, but I’m also practical. So I told myself that I wouldn’t submit my resignation until I landed an “anchor client,” or one that could provide a substantial amount of income in my first six months. I put in a bid for my first long-term contract, and guess what? I got it!

I was on my way to becoming the CEO of Me.

Yet even with the security of having an anchor client, quitting my job was a really difficult decision to make. My grandmother’s voice was full of worry when I called to tell her what I thought was my good news. “How will you make money?” she asked. “The economy is really bad right now, you know.” I was glad she couldn’t see me roll my eyes through the phone.

The bad economy has nothing to do with me. Neither does this alleged black man shortage. I got a job. And I got a man. Scarcity thinking doesn’t do anything but breed fear and desperation. I choose abundance.

And wouldn’t you know it? After I quit my job, they asked me to come back and work with them as a consultant. Life is grand.

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Rosetta ThurmanRosetta Thurman is a nationally-recognized author, speaker, mentor and coach dedicated to helping women create their ideal lives.

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