“There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you.”
– David Burns
This is a common complaint in romantic relationships: “He doesn’t make me happy.”
Well, of course he doesn’t. Because he can’t.
No one can “make” you happy.
I’m learning a lot of lessons so far from embarking on my summer self-care plan. Are you? Thanks to My Fitness Pal, I’m seeing that I rarely get enough calories during the day, I don’t drink nearly enough water and I still eat too much sugar (although I know my intake has gone WAY down from what it was).
It’s the one-year anniversary of my Crazy Sexy Diet cleanse! I wanted to offer an update on my progress over the past year and share my summer self-care plan in case it might help you to create your own. My intention is to go deeper into the journey to health I began in June 2011.
“As long as we continue to live as if we are what we do, what we have, and what other people think about us, we will remain filled with judgments, opinions, evaluations, and condemnations. We will remain addicted to the need to put people and things in their “right” place. To the degree that we embrace the truth that our identity is not rooted in our success, power, or popularity, but in God’s infinite love, to that degree can we let go of our need to judge.” – Henri Nouwen
A few weeks ago, I was visiting my mom and aunt, celebrating their birthdays. After dinner one night, we came back to mom’s house to be lazy and watch the Oprah Network. Beverly Johnson’s reality show was on. After just a few minutes of tuning in, I was quickly reminded of the reasons why I don’t like watching them.
“Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.” – Henri Nouwen
My little cousin Elijah is three years old and, like any toddler, is very clear about what does and does not make him happy. If you suggest doing something he isn’t interested in, he breaks into a pout and states firmly, “I don’t WANT to.” As kids, most of us probably had a similar attitude. But as adults, it can feel impossible to get back to that time when we focused on our own happiness instead of trying to make everyone else happy. Yet, we have to remember that happiness is not something that just occurs automatically. The truth is, we have to constantly choose to be happy and make space for what we really want. Otherwise, it’s easy to get stuck in a rut after a while, focusing on all the things we dislike about our lives.
If you’ve been pouting like my little cousin Elijah lately, here are a few strategies you can use to start making room for more happiness in your life.
As black women – we often define ourselves by our suffering. We often cling to the stories of racism or abuse or poverty that have permeated our lives and those of our ancestors.
Sometimes, we even try to “outsuffer” one another. My pain is greater than your pain! Who do you think you are? You don’t know my life! Actually, maybe I do. There are so many of us who have been through so much, or have seen our mothers/sisters/friends experience such deep hardships, that sometimes, we become the story of hardship. We become the story of suffering. We become the figurative mules of the world that Zora Neale Hurston wrote about in Their Eyes Were Watching God.
This is the room I’m renting in Charlottesville, Virginia. I’ve been here over a week now.
I found it as a sublet on Airbnb (referral link) for the month. This is the second time I’ve used Airbnb to find a really cool place to stay during my little nomadic adventure (without having to sign a lease!). I used it to find the place I stayed at in Baltimore, which was a great experience. You can use the site to find a room to stay in for a night or a week or a month (or more), in pretty much any country it looks like. To me, it’s like a cross between Craigslist and Expedia. I love that the site allows you to see who your hosts are, view photos and details about the room they’re renting out, plus read reviews of guests who have stayed in the room before you. My current host has about a dozen positive reviews, so that helped me with my choice. She is also an artist and I love artists. Her home is beautiful and old and full of original art and flowers and light. The neighborhood is very walkable, lined with trees and plants and situated just a few blocks from the University of Virginia. This is why I didn’t mind paying $800 to stay here for a month. I have full house privileges, so I’ve been able to cook, do laundry and drink bourbon on the porch whenever I want.
. . . and light a candle . . .
Nah, this post has nothing to do with the Teddy Pendergrass song of the same name. Although, it is one of my favorites.
Turn ’em off!
I’ve been in Charlottesville, Virginia for a little over a week now. (Much more about my new “home” later!) Half the time I’ve spent enjoying the Virginia Festival of the Book. The other half I’ve spent working on revamping both of my main websites. I wanted them both to be mobile-responsive, so people could see my content better on their iPhones, iPads, etc. I wanted my nonprofit-focused site to highlight me more prominently as a speaker. I wanted happyblackwoman.com to look like a cleaner, more personal Tumblr-style site – without having to actually use Tumblr. (You can see the new layout here, if you’re reading this post by email.)
There are a lot of sources from which we can derive self-confidence. Paying attention to our appearance and health; excelling at work or in business; being the best daughter, sister, mother, friend we can be; volunteering in the community; mastering a skill or hobby like art, dance, cooking or sports.
These are all useful strategies for increasing confidence within ourselves. They can make us feel good about being alive in our own skin.
What’s probably less useful in developing true self-confidence is when we base how we feel about ourselves on how we “stack up” to others.
I call this comparison confidence. Comparison confidence is when you compare yourself to another person and, finding your circumstances/appearance/stature in life to be better than theirs, develop a sense of superiority or false importance.
It’s one of the cheapest ways to “prove” to yourself how great of a person you are. It’s also one of the fastest ways to forget to be compassionate toward others.
Comparison confidence shows up when you find yourself saying or thinking:
Comparison confidence is present anytime we engage in the mindset that, “I might not be X, but at least I’m not Y.”
Not to mention that referring to another woman as a “whore” is a terrible way to make yourself feel superior, comparison confidence can make us focus on other people’s shortcomings while diminishing or dismissing our own.
When we compare our own lives to the next woman’s perceived messed-up situation, we can become overly confident about the direction we’re going in our own lives. It can cause us to gloss over the areas in which we need personal development to become better than ourselves, instead of better than someone else.
If you want to feel better about yourself, do things that will make you feel better about yourself. Do things that make you happy. Challenge yourself to pursue new, exciting goals for your life.
If you want to lift yourself up, then LIFT YOURSELF UP. Not tear someone else down in your comparisons of how much more attractive, virtuous, or smart you are than the other women around you. Reinvest the time you spend being critical of others into taking care of yourself.
I told you months ago about the book that really got me into practicing meditation, now a few times a week. The concepts outlined in Thich Nhat Hanh’s You Are Here have made me more mindful of who I am, where I am and what I bring to the world.
There is one strategy in particular that I took from the book that I want to share with you today. It is simply a phrase that – along with taking long, deep breaths – helps me re-center myself whenever I feel “off” or out of balance for some reason during the day. I memorized it, not just for memorization’s sake, but because I found that it works for me.
Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in.
Breathing out, I know that I am breathing out.
It is what I chant to myself as I inhale and exhale, not just during sitting or walking mediation, but also when I’m waiting in a long line at the grocery store or stuck in traffic or just waking up in the morning to an inbox full of emails and to-dos.
In this way, I remember to pay attention to my breath, no matter what is happening around me. I force myself to stop and acknowledge the fact that I am here.
Breathing.
Alive.
Sometimes, I modify the phrase.
Breathing in, I am here and I know that I am breathing in.
Breathing out, I am here and I know that I am breathing out.
Do you have a strategy or phrase that brings you back to center during the day? If you choose to try this one out for yourself, let me know how it works for you!
Rosetta Thurman is a nationally-recognized author, speaker, mentor and coach dedicated to helping women create their ideal lives.
